Random continuation of depressed musings.

I’m trying to write this thing in the daytime as long as I’m somewhat coherent. Shit has been awful this weekend, and now I’m here making very slow recovery. It could get worse by evening. I’m pretty sure it will get worse by evening.

I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m sometimes able to be somewhat coherent, but if I have to think of who I am and how I relate to the rest of the humanity, I can’t help but to weep.

I’m trying to be social. I’m sure my friends would say that I’m actually capable of being social. I’m sure that they’d say I’m probably not really that bad a person, and I’m sure that’s probably accurate.

But at the same time, I’m also this fucking awkward monster. I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong and sometimes I just don’t know when I’m doing things wrong. And I don’t know why things go wrong. And I just don’t learn.

Sometimes, I’m not me.

And I’m completely clueless. I’m probably alienating people. I’m trying my best to be a good person, and I think I’m sometimes succeeding at the things I do.

But at the same time, I just can’t help but to think that people are taking steps back. I get the feeling that people think there’s something wrong in me. Something they can’t quite put a finger on. Something I have no clue about.

And whether I want it or not, whether anyone really intends it or not, I’m just doomed to be alone. I just have no idea why this happens.

But then again, maybe it’s just the human nature. It reminds me of a story about an old man who died in a bus. He was just sitting there in the corner. Hours later, people noticed, and they were annoyed. How dared he die there, and annoy the fellow passengers?! Should have gone die somewhere else.

But what I really want to say is that I’m still very conflicted about voicing my fears. On one hand, people should be sympathetic and offer me help. On the other hand, I’m probably annoying them just by bothering them with all this negative stuff.

I’m just sometimes helpless, okay? I want to be strong. I want to be sociable, I want to be a great person to be with. Yet sometimes, I fail at that. And I sometimes feel that when I fail at this stuff, everything I’ve strived for is gone. I need to start all over.

Sometimes I’m a burden to people, and I have no solutions to that problem. I’m so sorry about that.

I know I should be saying “Yeah, people are busy. They have real reasons not to talk to me.”

That’s the real reason. Yeah, I’m just mad at people for not being around. Not being around can happen. People have reasons. People have good reasons.

But it doesn’t ultimately help me. In the end of the day, I’m alone. Wondering what the fuck went wrong today. Wondering why the hell being sociable is advertised as the greatest thing anyone could be strived for. Wondering why people say “hey, you shouldn’t be messing around with computers, you should go meet people.” I tried and it’s obviously not working for me, that’s what I’m saying.

So last few days I’ve just had to stick to myself. I’m alone. I’m not entirely happy when I’m alone. But if I just keep myself busy with my stuff, I can at least keep my mind off the doom and gloom.

I can’t keep my mind off the doom and gloom when I’m attempting to be social and failing.

So here I am. Alone. My situation isn’t good but at least I’m doing something.