Bloody hell, autumns and springs are really fucking terrible when you have seasonal depression.
I think I’ll have to ramble about it a bit. I’ll try to explain what has been going on.
The last fe… (fuck off already, Windows update…) the last few days have been kind of terrible. The week hasn’t been too good.
I’ve had some happy time in days. I’ve gotten something done in the days.
But I just become this monster in the nights. I can’t help but to think that I’m a burden to everybody when I’m bugging for attention and I find no company that would have time and patience to deal with me. And I’m probably not a nice person to deal with when I’m depressed.
So the days have become terrible too. I’m ashamed of my whining. I’m ashamed of not being able to deal with my feelings myself. I’m ashamed of being a burden to everybody.
I just can’t do much big productive stuff today besides of posting this blog post. I’ll just go read some books. That’s been backlogged. Last night I read 100 pages of Jules Verne.
I absolutely dread looking at my email or Twitter/identica replies or going on Xbox Live. I’ve been a burden. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to worry people or make them feel compelled to help me or annoy them by asking for help.
I just have to stay away. I’ve probably caused worries and fear and annoyance for my friends and I don’t want that to happen.
I know what I should do when I’m lonely. I know I should just go and do something on my own. But the problem is, when I’m depressed, I just can’t start anything.
The best cure for seasonal depression for me is to just do something. I can do something. The problem is that I just can’t start anything.
I need a nudge. I need someone to tolerate me just long enough to tell me what to do.
And often there’s no one out there to just tell me what to do. Which means I’m unable to do anything.
It may sound stupid, but that’s the real reason. When all motivation has gone out of the window, (seriously, fuck off already, Windows Update) I just need someone to tell me what to do.
So if you want to help, just tell me what to do. Don’t tell me there’s nothing I can do. I just feel so helpless when I’m depressed and getting told that there’s nothing I can do is probably not helping much.